


when you leave, take my heart with you

by maikuria



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Angst, Damien's goodbye poem to Rilla, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Poetry, by popular request
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 09:18:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21116390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maikuria/pseuds/maikuria
Summary: "Here. I would like you to bring this to Rilla, in the meantime.""What- What is this?""A final poem."Among many other things, the third nights of the Festival of the Three, Damien grieves his love.O, but can we fly again?Can we be allowed such divinitywhen I have chosen my chains?





	when you leave, take my heart with you

To my dearest Amaryllis of Exile:

_ There shall one day be _

_ two in unity, strong, simple. _

_ Perfect.  _

It had been my wish, 

dear flower mine,

for us to be them two.

You, the shining sun towards which

this sunflower turns its face.

Me, a worshipper of your fire,

a fortunate beholder of your courage.

You graced me with gifts:

your presence, your care, your love. 

The choice I desired to make:

treasure this, our love,

treasure you, my sun, for eternity.

O, but can we fly again?

Can we be allowed such divinity

when I have chosen my chains?

As long as you would have me,

as long as the Saints allowed it,

I’d have carved myself into the stones

protecting the walls of your heart,

of your home. Yet, I cannot touch you,

for my heart has been poisoned.

This Citadel, this place of rebirth,

home to dreams and nightmares,

saw the birth of our love.

Fear not, most cunning of women, 

it shall not see the end of it.

What right have I to its foundations?

This hath been my home,

from which you stole my heart,

dandelions and irises and gladiolus.

I called upon you like 

winter calls upon spring.

With your love, I was born anew.

The gladiolus have dried away,

trampled by the tricks and traps

of this treacherous heart of mine.

Your love has been my balm, yet I

have cast it away in the face of temptation,

have forsaken it in name of desire.

I cannot ask your forgiveness,

I cannot ask your remembrance.

I can only ask of our Saints,

to ease your pain with this truth.

My heart has betrayed us both,

I cannot hide what I have become.

I will always love you, Rilla,

such a longing cannot be denied,

but this heart has tasted venom, 

the casket has swallowed it whole.

Lavender has hidden this snake.

Its bite, unexpected, irreversible.

I dare not to call you mine again.

I wish not to claim your tears,

to leave you at sea, answerless.

It has been selfish of me to love you,

knowing the day would come

wherein I would meet my end.

In loving you, I have been selfish.

In adoring you, I have been sinful. 

I am sorry. I am sorry.

Knowing death would come for me,

rip the harvest of this armor plates,

I still held your hand in promise of forever.

I showed a monster mercy.

It was not an act of kindness.

Blade upon blade, the thrill of battle,

and my heart soared, my blood rushed,

in this, I found sweetness,

in this, my heart found its decay.

I called him a being of cunning,

violet eyes a blessed sight.

And in these nights, I wanted.

In these encounters, I desired.

This is how I spared his life,

a waterfall of pain otherwise.

I beg of you, not to understand,

but to scorn. Find in your heart

disgust and anger, not mourning.

Let my Saint kill this unholy seed,

let Him clean you of me,

while I take with me your memory.

If I’m beyond salvation,

at least I am grateful.

In this life, I could touch you,

taste your smile and worship you.

If I’m to be reborn, let me be

a flower upon your windowsill.

You have happened upon my heart.

Tonight I will not lay still

remembering all you’ve been to me.

Lover, holder of my heart,  tonight I depart,

I’ll feed my body to the earth,

but my soul yours shall remain.

If I cannot cleanse myself

from this plague, let my suffering

be claimed by the glittering diamonds

above our eyes, so that my love

may be pure once more among the clouds

to touch you again at rainfall.

You have been my anchor.

You have been my sea.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Forever thank you for loving me.

It has proven a mistake, I’m sorry.

Many times has your love saved me.

My ambition and my greed

now demand payment for

their graces. Let it not be you.

If I may ask you one thing

is for you to live a life

in which I am but a comma.

The proof of my selfishness:

I desire, still. I desire a life 

where you and I can dream,

where we can fly, again,

beneath sun and rain.

Forgive me. Forgive me.

He has taken my tranquility,

or I have given it to him,

And still, my heart beats

yearning growing ’tween my ribs,

as if vines, as if mint.

My heart begs to see him.

He has nicked a piece of me,

claimed it as his own in but a second.

I, fool, did not stop him. 

Heresy. Treason. Perfidy.

My eyes hold no light,

no human can be found.

How could I still claim

knighthood and purity?

How can I ask of you

the love you granted me,

knowing I am but

a crow’s leftover meat?

Let the river drown me!

Let his knives pierce me!

But let grief not touch you!

Let your soul be free of me!

Let your eyes retain their glow!

Amaryllis, forsake me!

And as my life bleeds away,

let me nourish the earth you walk in.

If I must serve a purpose,

let it be your happiness, your safety.

Let me do in death

what I failed to do in life.

Forget me, forget this touch,

this hands, this skin, this eyes.

Do not let fondness taint memory,

see me as I was: not a man.

This bones hid a heart

that would always fall to a beast’s claw.

Remember, when you see me 

upon the ground, shed not a tear.

Amaryllis, do not pray for me.

After all, it is easier, is it not?

To mourn a man

who was a monster all along?

**Author's Note:**

> find me at damienthepious on tumblr!
> 
> I cried while writing this


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